Birthday Lessons

Solar returns are fun. We get to reminisce on the last 365 days, 12 months, and 52 weeks.

They are especially fun when you find yourself stuck in the same place. Yay. 🥹

Birthdays in my 30s were difficult to say the least. To this day, I don’t know why. I don’t know if some planet was in haterade, if it was undiagnosed depression, or some kind of chemical imbalance that rendered my conscious mind helpless. 

It was almost like a light switch. Once I turned 40, my birthdays felt like a fog was lifted. Maybe it was realizing that 40 is the season of IDGAF. I stopped bugging about my birthday.

I still don’t celebrate them. Now, I just tune out the world.

I give myself permission to disconnect fully. No emails, no client calls, no work,  nada. I will also turn my phone off on occasion. 

Thinking about it, as much as I considered it a self-care day, it makes me wonder if I was cosplaying as someone who wasn’t here. If I made myself hyper-invisible then I can imagine what life without me would look like.

Who would seek me out?

Who would connect with me?

Who would notice?

I’m not in that headspace anymore. I’ve grown past so much of the shadow self takeover that I struggled to navigate without meds.

Time gives you hindsight and healing gives you perspective. 

I still like to disconnect on my birthday though.

I like to imagine what life would look like if I didn’t have to exploit myself to survive. I don’t need social media. I don’t need to be of service. I can just simply exist and one day I hope that’s enough.