These two words pierced through my heart. Hearing someone else call me out on my pattern was painful, yet not surprising.
I wear it on my sleeve.
I wear it on my digital persona. It stopped becoming a piece of clothing I put on every morning and is slowly making its way to becoming a tattoo on my body.
I have self doubt. No shit.
My inner committee bitches are rolling their eyes. It’s like you’re preaching to the choir.
I didn’t just get the memo, I wrote it and proofed like a good girl with OCD tendencies.
There’s no AHA moment. That shipped sailed somewhere in my 20s. Self awareness comes with age so I’ve accepted this aspect of my personality.
It clouds my judgement on bad days and on good days it brings me back into a dark state of “uh oh” because good things don’t last when you doubt that they’re in your stars to begin with.
Self doubt. Yes. The things I would do for self-doubt.
If there was a support group I would gladly attend to collect my tokens.
I would sit in the front row and nod at all the sob stories of heartbreak and loss.
I would save a seat for my shadow so that together we can learn how to repair our dysfunctional relationship.
I would bring the coffee and cookies so that the self-doubters can bond over emotional eating binges.
I would be voted group leader because I’m a pro at deflection and when given an opportunity to focus on your doubts, I gladly take that reprieve to avoid mines.
This is where I’m at, using insomnia as an excuse to tackle self doubt. I missed the email that late night mental chatter is Kryptonite for self-love.
It’s the poison which keeps me from overcoming self doubt.
The inner night-owl is a spy for fear so when I’m up so late, what is really happening is that I become more and more engulfed in self doubt.
This is a cycle that I would totally medal at the Olympics, should self loathing become a sport.
You are looking at the body of self doubt: a mind full of noise and a soul full of anxiety.
Owning it means you have to admit that you just simply bought some heavy ass baggage. Ignoring it means you’re totally in denial.
So what’s a girl to do with all this self doubt?
Wish it away like a bad feeling?
Conquer it with magic like a bruja?
Tackle it with empowering affirmations like some hippy guru?
Suggestions are always welcomed and will be great appreciated.
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