It often feels like progress happens quickly when in reality change happens over time when you’re not looking. One of the challenges I deal with is looking in the mirror which is probably why I am not as visible online.
During a shadow meditation a few years ago, I realized I struggle with accepting life as a gift because, for most of my existence, it’s felt like a burden. The insecurities don’t come with simple self-esteem issues, but rather from the guilt of taking up space when I don’t feel like I belong, here or anywhere.
I still work through this.
Invisibility provides comfort because if no one knows you’re there then no one notices when you’re not. Maybe that’s why I gravitate towards writing because stories live beyond the present and my prose serves as a printed legacy of my mark.
But to what extent and for what purpose?
I still struggle to look in the mirror because now the inner chatter went from questioning to judgment.
I should be in Miami.
I should be further along.
I should have worked through my issues.
I shouldn’t have waited so long to deal with certain wounds.
I should have healed faster.
I should be more likable.
I shouldn’t be still having the same challenges.
This season of *should* is in its 46th iteration and seems to be the only constant in my life to express growth because as I get older the voice gets louder.
I’m better now than I ever was. I should be relaxing and celebrating another day. That’s called growth and it happens even when the feelings don’t go away.
Growth is about how you respond to the intruding thoughts that plague us. It’s about how you continue to show up even when you feel like you’re still in stuck mode.
The entrepreneurial journey brings up all of our shit because money is the first place we can tangibly see *growth* but it is also weaponized to serve as a misguided marker for success.
The growth that leaves the most impact is often invisible making it that much harder to quantify as a valuable metric.
Right now growth for me accepting that popcorn and coffee are my sometimes lunch.
Perfect would be remembering to bring my lunch. Knowing that if I go outside right now, I might stay outside to enjoy global warming temperatures because 60 degrees in February is not good but I hate snow so there’s that.
Popcorn and coffee remind me that I have permission to have an imperfect lunch, especially when in the past this kind of oversight would result in a four-hour distraction of looking for the right meal and wallowing in the guilt of being forgetful.
I forgot my lunch because I woke up tired. I woke up tired because I fell asleep late. I fell asleep late because I worked until 1am. I worked until 1am because I poorly managed my goals for the week. I poorly managed goals for the week because I overestimated my capacity. I overestimated my capacity because I have unrealistic expectations. I have unrealistic expectations because I was raised to strive for perfection. I was raised to strive for perfection because my mom has a Virgo stellium and Capricorn ascendant. She has those placements because her mom pissed off some bruja.
So when I say popcorn and coffee for lunch is growth, it’s what works for me now.
Tomorrow’s growth may look like sleeping in until noon, but more likely it’s catching an early episode of The Last of Us.
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