Is My *X* Factor Enough

white and black wooden quote board

Here’s the thing…we know when we are in alignment, and we know when we are not.

Confusion is a way to deflect responsibility for taking ownership of the brand, business, and life we neglect or choose to keep small.

I do a lot of work around clarity and what I often see is not a matter of getting clear but a journey toward permission-based ambition. You don’t “need” to get clear on your vision.

You want to feel like you have the right to pursue what you desire.

Somewhere we learn that we are not enough and that because we are not worthy, then those epic ideas we have are not valid enough either. I think it’s why we place so much of an emphasis on community – not just for the feeling of belonging but also to offer a sense of validation, aka permission.

This week, this month, this holiday season, and this year – have been full of triggers. The thing about triggers, though, is that they’re not always associated with trauma or pain. In my deck, I was very intentional about using the word “triggers” because, on a fundamental level, a trigger is a spark. It’s something that initiates the start of something – good or otherwise.

Learning to lean into the positive triggers is challenging because I’ve come to associate chaos with normalcy. I actively look for stories of joy to balance the energies that serve as lifetime sponsors for my “woe is me parties.” And as much as I want to find a community that accepts who I am, it’s hard to feel seen in the circles I’ve distanced myself from.

I’m not who I used to be…and that’s ok.

Life is supposed to be a series of growth and changes. I pray my old tweets and hurtful emails don’t resurface to deflect who I am now. However, if there’s one thing the social collective is great at, it is making a mockery of nuance.

I try not to shy away from triggers because living within communities, small or large, means confronting the things which mirror our insecurities. I’ve been taking meds for anxiety since my panic attack in August. When someone told me I was “normal” and pleasant to be around, all I kept thinking was…

You like me because I’m on meds.

You like me because I go to therapy.

You like me because I don’t share much because if I did, then I’d be…toxic, an emotional burden, low vibration, and all those things you are told to avoid.

Community triggers me because of how easily disposable people are once they don’t assume their proper role in holding up the standards of said community.

So no…I am not “normal,” and if I am pleasant, it’s because I’m performing to keep you comfortable. After all, if you’re comfortable, then I have value in your life, making me less disposable.

But I’m a writer, and now you’re going to get a chapter in my book. 🤭

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